No Soulmate, but Not Solo

After mentioning him in Monday's post, I felt like I should share with you my heart....my son!

The Carefree Kid of high school years...in one of his loves, his old Silverado

Mr. Handsome and Hardworking of nowadays...

His other love the first day he learned to drive it.

His buddy Ninja Kitty...

and other buddy Leo...

The dogs who worship him - Barky and Layla

His favorite place - Destin, FL

The one and only pic he took in Nashville 2 weeks ago...he has a romantic heart.

My favorite picture of him and his favorite gal - waiting to go in to see Wicked!

Good kids are hard to raise in this world and I have been blessed with a GREAT one. 

Someone asked me today if I have met my soulmate or believed in such.  I thought about the question.  I know I spent 20 years trying to MAKE someone my soulmate.  Funny how that just doesn't work.  

I pretty much have the suspicion that I have missed Life's train stop or layover where I was suppposed to meet my soulmate.  I was too busy with my head in the sand.  However, I realized today that it's ok and I will be very happy even if I do not ever find Mr. Right.  The reason is because my son and his future family are enough to "complete me."  I may be missing my soulmate, but my heart is a handsome and a terrific guy who will one day have an awesome family...and THAT makes my soul happy!

(Poem borrowed from the book, The Children of the Law of One and the Lost Teachings of Atlantis, which I highly recommend. It’s one of the most important books I have ever read, and made a huge impact on the expansion of my consciousness.)

“It is most sublime when the coming together of soul-mates is the outcome of spiritual development, and they are of higher consciousness. Let go of your desire for, and attachment to woman or man right now, and concentrate on finding the God-within-You first. First and foremost be your own Soul-mate, your own Helpmate… totally in love with and devoted to Yourself – Your Spirit – the God within you that you are… Then, and only then, after you have become attached to that God-The Universal One that you are, and found inner and outer harmony and become “in love with” and devoted to Yourself- not as a separate identity, but connected to and at One with the Universal Spirit, will those who should be with you in Oneness of Spirit, be with you in the universal harmony that you are imagining.”

Renovation Saga Begins

I’ve been running around in organized madness trying to accomplish as many projects as possible before my classes begin.  So, I haven’t written any journals or stories at all in days.  I feel guilty about that…so weird.  Anyway, my mind keeps running through the to-do and done lists and I’ve decided to cheat a bit and make my lists into blog entries.  Then I can look back on this time and remember the chaos while I appreciate the outcome of the labor.  I am dividing the lists/posts into areas for my mental organization.  Beware of scattered ideas and thoughts during the next several posts.  Also, feel free to offer suggestions & ideas.

First I want to explain that there is so much to do with our house.  We, my mother and me, bought the house from my grandparents as they were looking into going into care facilities at the time.  We knew my mom would stay in this home after she retired.  Also, my son wanted to continue to go to the neighborhood’s high school and stay with his 8^th grade friends.  The home is in a small incorporated town outside of Memphis, so it allows for more of a community mindset and a little more peace than the “big city” offers.  All in all, the purchase made sense. 

My husband and I have a home further out in the country that is a lot more rural – no street lights, neighbors are a ways down the road, the area just got its only McDonald’s 10 years ago. It gorgeously sits on a hill and is lushly surrounded by trees that surround the house and acreage like a cloak.  The greenery cloak opens just a bit and if you catch that slight opening you will find a tree-lined gravel path that leads up the hill to an opening of gorgeous green yard, a cute basic white house, a dirt worn basketball pad on the side and beyond there the swimming pool I saved for and love.  We have spent many wonderful weekends there.

The plan was always to move out there permanently after our son finished high school and left for college.  Funny, plans get made and plans don’t always pan out. 

Our son didn’t leave for college.  He received a scholarship here and decided to stay and take it.  He even decided to stay at home!  What 18 year old does that, I wondered?  I was so ready to get away at his age.  And honestly, at my age now, I was ready for him to get away.  Apparently, though, many more kids are staying home and even going to community colleges first to save on expenses these days.  My son is very frugal.  Seriously frugal.  Unreal frugal. It still blows my mind he didn’t run out the door the first chance he got.  He has since told me that his decision also stemmed from concern for his grandmother.  She retired as her mobility was getting more difficult and she has since given up driving.  His frugality and sense of responsibility awes me.  His hero was my grandfather and he has modeled himself after him, for sure.  That’s a story for another post, another day.

Anyway, it turns out that I like country living in the day time, but not so much at night, alone.  It totally creeps me out.  I tried and I tried, but I cannot do it.  Our house in the country is up for sale as I speak and our marriage has a foreclosed sign, as well. Back in May I made the decision to stay put with Mom in town and so I have jumped full force in to renovation. 

I have a ton of ideas and not so much work force and time.  I guess that's how these things usually go.  There is so much to be done with this house because the last 10 years have been difficult for my mother and for me.  I think I need to journal the outline of the past ten years to get it out of my brain and on paper, so to speak.

The new century started with my grandparents in their 90s and slipping into dementia and Alzheimers.  My grandfather was first and developed Alzheimers.  It was hard as he was the father figure in my life.  He was my son's best friend.  He was the one who always had the the answers, fixed everything and added stability to the lives of the 4 crazy women in his life-his 2 daughters, his wife and me, his grandaughter.  Off and on for the 30 years prior we had all lived under the same roof at various times. 

He passed and then my grandmother started having bouts of heart failure.  This lead to her residing in a care facility because she went in as a rehab patient and never left.  My aunt then started having blood pressure problems, mini strokes and cardiac issues.  This past January she had surgery  from which she never regained consciousness and I had to make the decision to let her go to join my grandparents in Heaven.  My mother had handled the day to day management and care of my grandfather and his passing.  We shared the tasks with my grandmother.  Mom was unable to help with Illa except what she could do by phone.  I'm really glad at this point as I don't think she could have handled my aunt's last few days.  Ten or fifteen years ago, my mom could do anything.  She was still Super Woman.  These days I have to put on the Super Woman cape and step up.

So, back to the house...it was my grandparents and while we have lived here for 8 years, my mother has not been willing to change anything.  Now that so many things are falling into disrepair, she is open to changes.  I also really believe it is because she feels some freedom finally.  As long as my aunt was alive I think my mom felt a responsibilty to keep up "my grandparents' house" rather than live in our house. 

I've started with small changes....now I am discussing bigger changes...next I will make big changes.  Bit by bit my mother is coming round, but bit by bit I find myself opening back up to me and what I want, what I like.  I am determined that lifting the depressive fog of the last several years for my mother begins with turning "my grandparents' house"  into our home finally.  I am on a mission of light and cheer and am no longer content to just be a superintendent of the past.

Been Gone Too Long

I've been getting organized for school and for fall...fall means the Holidays, so my favorite time of year!

Here are some treasures I scouted out Friday night.  Enjoy and I will get my posts together this week!

"Save Me, San Francisco"...she sings!

"I used to love the Tenderloin
Till I made some tender coin
Then I met some ladies from Marin
We took the highway to the One
Up the coast to catch some sun
They left me with this blisters on my skin.

Don't know what I was on, but I think it grows in Oregon
So I kept on going, going, gone, right through
I drove into Seattle rain, fell in love then missed the train
That could a took me right back home to you

I been high
I been low
I been yes, and I been oh hell no
I been rock 'n roll and disco
Won't you save me San Francisco

Ooo ooo ooo, oh oh

Every day's so caffeinated
I wish they were Golden Gated
Fillmore couldn't feel more miles away
So, wrap me up return to sender
Let's forget this 5 year bender
Take me to my city by the Bay

I never knew all that I had
Now Alcatraz don't sound so bad
At least they'd have a hella fine merlot
If I could wish upon a star
I would hitch a cable car
To the one place that I'll always call my home

I been high
I been low
I been yes, and I been oh hell no
I been rock 'n roll and disco
Won't you save me San Francisco
I been up
I been down
I been so damn lost since you're not around
I been reggae and calypso
Won't you save me San Francisco

To tell you the truth
I miss everything...everything
It's a wild, wide, beautiful world
But there's a wide-eyed girl back there
And she means everything...everything

I been stop
I been go
I been yes and I been oh hell no
I been rock 'n roll and disco
Won't you save me San Francisco
I been up
I been down
I been so damn lost since you're not around
I been reggae and calypso
Won't you save me San Francisco

Oo oo oo...oh oh
Won't you save me San Francisco
Oo oo oo...oh oh
Won't you save me San Francisco"

I LOVE this song by Train and I LOVE San Francisco and I LOVE my former home! This has me thinking on a lot of old memories, on several new plans....write more later! 

It's People Like These...

The guy above on the right is a coworker of mine.  The lady is his wife and the guy in the middle is their son...their "recently" adopted son, not that they make that differentiation.  I make it in order to tell you this story.

For a number of years now I have heard stories about this son - we'll call him R - from the proud dad - we'll call him J.  J & his wife have served as a foster home to several teenaged boys.  They have struggled through those boys' complicated and unfair baggage to try and provide the stability and healthy relationships the boys have missed out on up till then.  As another coworker of mine said just the other day, there is a gold star, huge & shining already, in Heaven for J & his wife.  They have been so selfless and dedicated in this endeavor that two years ago they were named the Foster Family of the Year by our local foster agency.  Not too shabby an honor and definately not an easy feat.

Back to the picture...J & his wife legally adopted R when he was a teenager.  At that time R chose to take on the family's last name by adding it to his own last name.  That says that he really thought the world of J and his family.  The picture above is the proud parents with their new Army Private.  You would never know that they've only been a family for several short years and not for a whole lifetime.  Funny, I would say I even see a family resemblance!

Anyway, people like these....pictures like this...make me keep the faith in humanity.  Today I will hear news clips of fussing politicians, missing children, men killed, businesses robbed...really it's an endless gloom report if you sit down for 30 minutes to watch the news.  It's the stories like the one above that need to be glorified and reported.  Someone was giving of themselves and made life better...is that not news?

I could harp forever on our news these days, but that is not the nugget of insight I want to take from the awesome pic.  As I am making this a quick post today I will get to my point.  I appreciate the work and the sacrifice J & his family has made, is making.  I appreciate the service and sacrifice R is taking on  and now repaying Karma by helping others himself.  Good begets good, folks.  Also, your family is not always born directly into your family - sometimes you have to go find & claim them!

School Days, School Dazed

So, school....yep, I did it....last night I went and rgistered for grad school.  Going back after 20 years is going to be fun interesting intense an experience.  Honestly though, now that I have made the decision, I really am excited to get started.

I am looking forward to meeting new people, learning new things and just going through the whole experience itself.  It's too bad that college is not sequenced naturally into our older lives because learning is so different when you are more mature and truly interested in what you are paying all that money for each semester. :)

Yeah, I know that right now I still have the romantic view of school and, when the assignments and exams start adding up on the calendar, I will quickly adopt the realist's view of "what did I sign up for - I'm too old for this mess?!?!"

I have just been looking for that next step in my life.  I have fought two things for many years.

  1. All the women in my family have been teachers.
  2. I'm not going back to school.

Now, after all these years I really would like to consider teaching English on some level...not just English, but Literature.  Looking at educational paths towards this I have made the decision to complete my master's and then push for a PhD. 

Up to now I have been reluctant, no scared, to think very far ahead.  I have Lupus and I have spent the last 5 years+  allowing Lupus to drape my future in gloom.  I have played into it, rather than fight it.  I have accepted it, rather than relegate it to the backburner of my life. 

I have taken each crisis and disappointment in the last 5 years and colored them in Lupus Grey.  "Oh, if I didn't have Lupus this wouldn't have happened," or some version of that statement/excuse/cop-out.  Thanks to progressing through my therapy, from the effects of it and forward into regjoining Life, I can see that darkness for what it was.  The real joy is seeing the dawning of sunlight on my future.

Who knows if I will follow through all the way with my PhD?  For me, right now, it is not the accomplishment I crave, but rather the reality of it as a possibility.  To have the clouds lift and feel the warmth of potentiality is my accomplishment for now.  So, off to school I go!

For I, methinks, till I grow old,
As fair before me shall behold,
As I do now, the Cabin small,
The Lake, the Bay, the Waterfall;
And Thee, the Spirit of them all!

-from Wordsworth's 'To a Highland Girl'